MOSCOW, RUSSIA — In the face of an ongoing international criminal inquiry, accused Russian match fixer Yana Sizikova is poised to be awarded the Order of Putin—Russia's highest civilian honor—in recognition of her service to the sport of tennis and resolute adherence to the fundamental values of the Russian people.
Immediately after her opening round loss at Roland Garros, Sizikova was arrested and charged with "sports corruption and fraud" for throwing a match during last year's French Open—charges one police official referred to as "beyond ironclad."
"She's going to prison," claimed an INTERPOL source who declined to go on record citing the ongoing investigation. "The only question is for how long. I know most of this match fixing stuff is perfectly legal in Russia—even highly encouraged in most places—but if you do it in the real parts of Europe, you're going to get in trouble."
"Her lawyer can moan about fake news and her being unfairly targeted, but have you actually seen the match she fixed? She was so bad. It's the only evidence we need."
Meanwhile, in Russia, government officials have rushed to the defence of the suspect doubles specialist, suggesting the whole Sizikova incident is part of a wider international criminal conspiracy to defame the sporting accomplishments of hard-working Russian athletes and the gambling wins of their less hard-working dark money backers.
"Yana is a big star in the Russian Federation and her profile has only risen after the western imperialists tried to defame her," declared government spokesman Boris Sagdiyev. "She has the backing of Premier Putin and represents everything that is beautiful and righteous about our very lucky and not-at-all criminal society."