LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA — According to reports, part-time tennis player and full-time headline-grabber Naomi Osaka is strongly considering an early retirement from professional competition after this summer's Olympic Games in Tokyo in order to pursue her lifelong dream of becoming a sports reporter.

Sources close to people who know Osaka claim the camera-shy world number two has withdrawn from Wimbledon to allow herself more time to consider the potential change of careers and begin putting together a CV complete with clippings of stories she's written.

"All of this pressure has really made her reconsider her lot in life," suggested an Osaka family friend who requested anonymity for fear of piling on the pressure. "Naomi wants to get out there and show these morally suspect reporters just how hard-hitting, non-mental-breakdown-inducing journalism should be done."

"What better way to show them up than by flipping around the microphone and asking questions of your own?"

Several major media outlets have already expressed an interest in acquiring the reigning Australian Open champion as an ongoing contributor or on-air talent, with ESPN claiming to lead the way. Though the network insists there's no pressure or rush, they're also understood to want her in place as early as next week.

"Honestly, we'd love to have Naomi as a part of the tennis team," admitted ESPN Director of Talent Acquisition Barbara Schultz. "I know she has a thing for not wanting to speak on camera, but we firmly believe that doesn't matter. What matters is she'd make a great on-air personality who would connect with our target demographics."

"If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Am I right?"

LONDON, ENGLAND — Phone lines at the BBC were bombarded with complaints from irate viewers after a wild French Open trophy presentation ceremony, where men's singles victor and off-color lothario Novak Djokovic made out with the Coupe des Mousquetaires for a full 30 seconds before the network was able to cut to commercial.

Other broadcasters carrying the live feed from Roland Garros reported receiving a similar wave of calls from disgusted tennis fans, casual viewers, and government censors alike—leading several networks to vow to never carry a match featuring the Serbian again.

"The BBC sincerely apologizes for the shocking scenes during last weekend's French Open trophy presentation," read a statement from the BBC press office. "Like many of you, we were caught completely off guard by Mr. Djokovic's bizarre behavior and were unable to process what was happening before our eyes."

"Rest assured, all of Mr. Djokovic's future matches—including those at this year's Wimbledon—will be aired on a tape delay to avoid any potential offensive scenes being broadcast to the public."

Family groups in the United Kingdom were quick to react to the on air make out session, strongly condemning Djokovic for his attraction to an inanimate object and the French Open for designing a trophy a player could find irresistibly attractive. Many urged Djokovic to simply retire so he could spend more time with his trophies.

"Frankly, this whole situation is an outrage," declared Dr. Bertrand Smith of the Fraternal Union of Concerned Kinesiotherapists. "Where is the push back from the ATP Tour? They just keep rolling over and letting him get his hands on these poor, defenseless cups."

"All of these tour players need to step up their game to make sure he can't have his way with any more silverware."

PARIS, FRANCE — Executives at the ATP Tour have promised to order a thorough review of their on-court medical procedures after short-winded Greek Stefanos Tsitsipas was allowed to continue playing during the French Open final despite several worrying signs of total asphyxiation near the end of the match.

Upstart world number four Tsitsipas quickly took the opening two sets from eventual champion and Serbian despot Novak Djokovic, but seemed to suffer medical distress at the start of the third when the level of his play dropped and he began to lose consciousness.

"I don't know how Stefanos was even able to finish the match given how hard he was choking," questioned Greek Davis Cup trainer Bedros Spiliotopoulos after the final. "The poor boy could hardly breathe. I've never seen him in such a state before, and I've seen him gasping for air in a lot of important matches over the years."

"Someone should have gone out there on court and asked him if he needed a break or big bottle of oxygen."

ATP Tour consulting doctor and world-renowned oxygen deprivation expert Benny Shepherd lamented the lack of action from French medical staff at Roland Garros and said preventative, title-saving measures should have been taken at the start of the third, fourth, and fifth sets to mitigate Tsitsipas's complete collapse.

"Moving forward, the ATP needs to take a long hard look at itself and decide if we really want to keep allowing players to suffer these sort of breakdowns against Novak Djokovic," opined Shepherd. "My colleagues and I will work with stakeholders to decide if we have a moral obligation to alleviate the suffering."

"It's not just for the players—it's for the fans, as well. How much more of this can they stomach before they start choking, too?"